By: Julia Bertola
Coming out means something different for everyone, so National Coming Out Day can be complicated - especially since coming out takes more than just a day. It’s important to observe this day in a meaningful way, and part of that includes celebrating the many wonderful and diverse stories of this often-shared experience for 2SLGBTQ+ people. I don’t think National Coming Out Day should be about pressuring people out of the closet though, which unfortunately I’ve seen happen in the past.
Everyone's story is different, and everyone is on a different point in their journey; sharing our experiences can helps us feel connected and inspired – and even if you don’t have a story to share yet, it doesn’t mean this day isn’t for you.
Let’s start from the beginning. The term “Coming out of the closet” is when a person who identifies as 2SLGBTQ+ feels like sharing their identity with the people they trust and care about. In 1988, October 11 was officially recognized as National Coming Out Day because of 2SLGBTQ+ advocates in the United States. Since then, other countries - including Canada - have joined in observing this day.
Sharing an experience with others may seem insignificant but for people who have struggled to find acceptance, hearing a story can mean “I’m not alone.” Coming out has been and continues to be a form of activism. That’s why I wanted to share my story, and hopefully this inspires others to feel more confident about their own journey.
There’s a perception that coming out is one big announcement and that’s the end of it. For me, this “day” lasted 6 years – and still sometimes continues. It took a long time for me to find the words and the confidence to even acknowledge to myself that I was queer. Growing up in a small rural town and without any representation or education to lean on, I had no idea how others would react...so I waited.
I put everything I was feeling into a box and placed it on a shelf. I avoided talking about dating, crushes, and anything else that might "give me away.” It was the safest thing for me to do at the time given the situation but hiding who I was created a lot of shame and guilt. Things got better once I moved away for college; my independence and confidence grew tenfold because of the diversity and acceptance I found at Sheridan. I first started coming out to friends, classmates, coworkers – really anyone that was part of my college life. Sometimes it was a big announcement with lots of conversation, and other times it was something I mentioned offhand.
I hadn’t come out to my family yet though, and when I eventually did, it was in a way I never would have predicted. I had always imagined I would sit my parents and brother down at the dinner table and make a big, serious speech. I’d heard a lot of other coming out stories by this point and being told the dos and don'ts of it made me anxious about setting up “the perfect moment” - but there will never be a perfect moment.
I was about to move in with my longtime girlfriend and I couldn't keep this part of my life a secret anymore, so I ended up texting my dad (even though this was a don’t thing to do). In one text I had shared something that I had hid from him for years... he texted back saying he loved me and wanted to tell me over the phone. He told me I could come out to my mom and extended family on my own time, when I felt it was right. He also told me that he’d guessed a long time ago that my “best friend” wasn’t just a friend, so I felt a little silly.
I can’t go into all the details of my coming out story, because it’s too long for a blog post, and that’s my point – coming out takes longer than a day, which isn’t a bad thing. You need to do what’s best (and safest!) for you, without the pressure of trying to make the moment “perfect.”
On this National Coming Out Day, while we’re celebrating those who are performing their own activism, we're also supporting those who can’t join us just yet. For those who are not “out and proud,” you are a valid member of the 2SLGBTQ+ community. There are people in this world that will support you, accept you, and love you.